Movie Review - "Clerks II"

You pretty much love Kevin Smith movies or you hate them. Either way seeing Clerks II is not going to change your mind. I've always found Smith to be a very poor man's Tarantino. He creates very original characters and is actually pretty good with dialogue. The difference though is Tarantino usually has very good plot development, whereas with Smith you know going in that the story is very secondary to the meandering, crude, and pointless conversations that will take place throughout the movie.

The story centers around former young slackers Randal and Dante who have turned into, well, older slackers. The movie begins with The Quick Stop of the original movie burning down and the boys having to go work at a fast food joint. Dante is now engaged to a women he thinks he is supposed to marry (played by Smith's real life wife)but is really in love with his boss Becky who it turns out is pregnant with his child (not a big surprise so I'm not really giving anything away). The razor thin story revolves around Dante and Randal realizing that at some point they may actually have to grow up and whether Dante moves to Florida with his fiancee or stays to be with Becky.

But as I said the fun with Jay and Silent Bob flicks is the conversational riffs and arguments that take place. In this case there are plenty to keep fans happy. Randal's confusing Helen Keller and Anne Frank, his argument that "porch monkey" is not a racially derogatory term, and a hilarious argument between Randal, his protege Elias (who he frequently torments) and a customer as to whether Star Wars or Lord Of The Rings was the better trilogy. Throw in cameo appearances by Ben Affleck and Jason Lee, stupidity from Jay, and a graphic beastiality, or "inter species erotica" scene, and you have a pretty typical, which is to say enjoyable, Kevin Smith movie.

If you like his style go see the movie. If you don't, well you probably stopped reading this review a few paragraphs ago.

Rating - 7/10

Who's Boo-able and Who Isn't.

All right, you paid for your ticket, you are a loyal fan and you love your team. But as Skip Bayless asks, who has earned the right not to be booed? I say it is really a lifetime achievement award. And I also think you have to have played most of your career for the team you are currently on. That's the one that makes it tough. For example a guy like Tom Glavine earned the right not to be booed in Atlanta (as has John Smoltz), but now that he is a Met he can be booed in NY.

So who can't be booed? In the NHL the only obvious two that I can think of (now that Stevie Y has retired) would be Martin Brodeur in New Jersey and Joe Sakic in Denver. Any fan that boos them should have their tickets revoked. In baseball Yankee fans can't boo either Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera. Braves fans can't boo Chipper Jones and Houston fans can't boo Craig Biggio. Tom Brady is the only guy who gets the honour in the NFL. As for the NBA I say Tim Duncan can't get booed in San Antonio and Kevin Garnett can't get hassled in Minnesota. I think that may be about it though. Any suggestions for anyone in any sport?

Sports Shorts.

Who says all Canadians are friendly and get along? Someone forgot to let Paul Tracy (who is a putz but can be very funny at times) and Alex Tagliani know.

All getting Bobby Abreu from the Phil's does is add to the Yankees payroll. Abreu has only hit 14 home runs since the all-star break of last year. It's also suspected the pressure of playing for Phillies fans got to him. Then how the hell is going to react when Yanks fans boo him off the field the first time he goes 0-4?

Good question. Why does anyone care?

Is playing poker against people who have all seen your breasts a help or a hindrance?

It's time to stop waiting for the Detroit Tiger's bubble to burst. They took 2 out of 3 from both Chicago and Minnesota last week. They are that good, and they are going to win the Central.

Sports Shorts.

Is it really surprising that Tour de France winner Floyd Landis flunked a drug test? Cycling is one of the dirtiest, if not the dirtiest, sports out there. Every rider cheats. The bigger surprise is how everybody still likes to imagine that Lance Armstrong didn't cheat too. When it comes to doping it's true what they say - The really good cheaters are way ahead of the chasers. The worst thing about Landis getting caught is that we are bound to hear about it from the ever pompous Dick Pound.

Reading about baseball cards will bring a smile to any guy's face. Any guy who tells you he doesn't remember tearing open a pack of cards looking for their favorite player as a kid is a liar.

Dribs and Drabs.

David Hasselhoff thinks he is a "punching bag" who can go with the flow. The funny thing is how he thinks his new song, which I linked to last week for comedic purposes, is headed to the top 20 in England. The Hoff is also writing his memoirs. The money line - "But when I was out trying to save the world, I forgot to save myself."

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case feeds you and makes you a god to geeks everywhere.

I can't wait for this movie. Little Miss Sunshine should be fantastic. A warning to Steve Carell fans who loved 40 Year Old Virgin though. Do not go see this movie if you are expecting the same thing again. And if you do go, don't complain that it was different.

I can wait for this movie. I love his show and love Borat in small segments, but there is no way this movie won't get tired after 10 minutes. If you like the guy who plays Borat go see Ricky Bobby instead.

I love it when arrogant, overrated bands with only one good album like Oasis decide to put out a Greatest Hits.

Scarlett Johannson Stands Out.

Scarlett Johannson is teaming up with Woody Allen again in Scoop which opens Friday. When you look at the sophistication of her roles to date, as well as her public persona and maturity it is hard to believe she is only 21.

It's a credit to her talent that she is so distanced from others her age such as Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Amanda Bynes (who is generally well behaved but does dippy movies), and Elisha Cuthbert(who dates a dolt). I think Scarlett may do something completely stupid sure sooner or later, but I won't tkae a guess as to what. Besides, my good buddy Reetch is planning to marry her and he'd kill me.

This Could Be The End For The Docks.

It leaves me a little bit sad to hear The Docks may have to close after losing it's liquor licence. They have 30 days to appeal and I hope they can stay open. I have had a lot of good times there over the years, most of which I actually remember, though many I don't. I grew up in Toronto and this bar was always a great time in the summer. It was also a pretty good venue for live shows.

What Do George Michael and Bob Geldof Have In Commmon?

Other than being mentioned in this post, probably not a hell of a lot. Well, except that they are both washed up musically and speak English.

It appears Georgie boy had a fling in public view recently. The link is a hilarious take on it written by a member of the "community".

Apparently Geldof can only pack him in when he is surrounded by other performers. His recent show in Italy had to be cancelled because only 45 tickets were sold. Bob seems to think it's a conspiracy. Or maybe Italians just don't want to be preached at by anyone other than their priest.

Reality Got Me.

I usually don't get into reality shows too much but I am also not one of those people who curse them as the end of the world as we know it. Having said that I am completely hooked on So You Think You Can Dance? I have taken ballroom dance lessons before and enjoyed them a lot though I would hardly consider myself a great dancer. What the dancers on this show can do is incredible. I'm amazed at the ability they have to learn the moves and choreographies they have to learn in only a week's time. It is definitely worth catching Wednesday and Thursday night's on Fox at 9:00pm EST. For the record I think Allison will beat Travis on the final night to win.

Well Done Blue Jays.

Great series for the Jays this weekend. Now comes the tough part though. 39 of their final 64 games are on the road and it's going to be tough to win the division with that schedule. But they have a chance now that A.J. Burnett is healthy. Nobody expected them to make the playoffs so there is not much pressure on them. I don't think they will make it this year (Boston will be tough to catch, and Detroit and Chicago are locks to come out of the Central)but look out next year with Vernon Wells headed into free agency. He'll put up huge numbers.

Notes From The British Open.

You could just picture Tiger sitting at home watching Phil blow the US Open, laughing and saying "Well Lefty, you had your chance to be considered the best and you blew it. I'll just round back into form and put an end to any thought that I'm not number 1 anymore."

Tiger winning yesterday gave his wife Elin and her twin sister a lot of screen time. As many of you know they are former Swedish bikini models (though I assume still Swedish)and also formerly Jesper Parnevik's nannies. Which made me think that Jesper has one hell of an understanding wife.

Watching Sergio Garcia putt yesterday was a disgrace. The greens at Hoylake were no more difficult than ones the average weekend duffer plays at their local muni and he still gagged. Yes, he's a bad putter. But more to the point he has no guts. Every time he is close in a big event he blows up on Sunday. It's very fitting he was wearing yellow in the final round.

I'm glad to see David Duval starting to put his game back together. The guy has the talent to compete at the highest level and it would be fun to have him back in the mix every week.

It's Time For Carmen Electra To Settle Down.

First super babe Carmen Electra married and divorced Dennis Rodman. Now she and Dave Navarro have called it quits. I think Carmen probably feels it's time to settle down into a nice stable relationship with a good hearted young man. It's only a matter of time before that realization leads her running into the arms of...



...Whitby's own T-Bone. If the picture above doesn't make her come running then...



...this one will. Look at the confidence and self assuredeness in that face.

The Joke On Long Island.

This is a pretty good take on recent events with the New York Islanders. I don't know which is funnier, that new GM Garth Snow's player contract counts against the cap he has to work with the next two years, or that Mike Milbury is somehow back in a significant decision making role.

Mick Jagger on the Small Screen and Strombwombo Gets His.

One new show I am looking forward to is Knight$ of Prosperity. It is about a group of criminals who set out to rob Mick Jagger's house. I just find that concept hilarious though I wonder how that will translate into a season of 22 episodes. But with Mick making the odd cameo it holds great promise.

I'm kind of glad Strombwombo's show didn't get great ratings. The longer he's on TV in the States, the greater the chance that the US tightens up the border security.

Torn Feelings On a New Flick.

It's very rare for me to hope a movie tanks. Usually if something I am not interested in or has someone I can't stand involved with it I just don't pay it much attention. Having said that I hope Lady In The Water bombs. I really can't stand M. Night Shymalan. His ego is completely out of control. I liked The Sixth Sense because of the way he used lighting and music to very creepy effect. But the script was at best average and the plot twist was obvious 20 minutes into the movie. And since then he has made the same movie 4 times. Enough with the lame plot twists and self interest. All those Spielberg comparisons clearly went to his head because it seems he is only making movies these days for his own amusement. Now he has even given himself a starring role. He's coasting off one success he had early in his career. As Ms. Skeelo astutely pointed out, he's the movie version of Bono.

On the other hand I am a huge fan of Paul Giamatti. He came into public prominence for his role in Sideways and I hope he will continue to get lead roles in bigger movies. Just not ones directed by Shymalan.

Is The British Open Over Already?

At about noon EST today I would have said the tournament was over but then Ernie Els put up a low round to get within 1 stroke of Tiger. This bodes well for Ernie for the weekend. A few years ago a low round by The Striped One would have meant Ernie would shoot about 75 after it. I really hope he will give it a run this weekend because he's the only one with a chance to beat Tiger. As much as I like Retief Goosen (who along with Mike Weir and Vijay are my favorite players), he is a model of consistency and won't go low both rounds on the weekend as he needs to. Forget about DiMarco. For a guy who is supposed to be so good how come he never wins? So it comes down to Tiger vs. Ernie. I say it's 90% certain Tiger wins, I just hope Ernie makes it interesting

My winner prediction stunk again. Padraig missed the cut. As did Vijay who I said would finish top 5.

Blue Jay Drama Continued.

Apparently John Gibbons did challenge Shea Hillenbrand to a fight. But when a player writes "play for yourself" and "this ship is sinking" on the board when the team is about to start the biggest series of the year, how are you supposed to take it. By writing that stuff on the board Shea just confirms his reputation for being a pain in the ass.

Hats off to Vernon Wells for his walk off dinger off Mariano Rivera last night. As I predicted at the start of the year Vernon is in the thick of the MVP race.

Top Model, Kevin Smith, and Jude Law.

So a girl from Whitby, Ontario has won Canada's Next Top Model. It is really only a matter of time before she starts making headlines for a sordid relationship with my buddy T-Bone who is the most eligible dude in Whitby.

What the hell was Joel Siegel expecting to see when previewing Clerks II? The Muppets? Of course it will be lewd and crude, that's the whole point. What made the first one great were the exact things that so offend Siegel.

Isn't Jude Law the same guy who cheated on his wife with the nanny? I guess he's the only one allowed to cheat.

Blue Jay Drama.

This whole Shea Hillenbrand he said, she said thing should blow over pretty quickly. Hillenbrand is widely regarded as a pain in the ass and that's why he has bounced around despite being a pretty damn good hitter. I don't believe for a second that Jays manager John Gibbons threatened to fight him in a team meeting.

All this overshadows a huge series with the Yankees starting tonight. If the Jays can take 3 out of 4 from NY then they will gain not only in the standings, but also a hell of a lot of confifdence for the stretch drive. I said at the start of the year that the Jays would finish ahead of the Yanks and I am sticking by it.

The British Open.

I think the British Open is my favorite of the four majors. It's a game that is vastly different than what you see in the U.S. and it's always fun listening to the prima donna pros bitch about the weather and thick hay like grass their balls run off the rock hard fairways into.

So who will win? A lot of people think Tiger will win, while others think he won't. I don't think he will but he will have a strong showing. And if the weather doesn't get ugly I think he could win. He has the creative shots required to play well around the greens. But I think the slow greens brng a lot of other guys into play who traditionally aren't great putters. Which is why I think Sergio Garcia and Vijay Singh will each finish in the top 5. I also think Retief Goosen will finish top 5. And my winner is.....Padraig Harrington. I think it's about time a European won another major and Harrington is playing well right now. If not him then some unknown is going to win. Soemone like Bruce Vaughn. Who? Exactly.

As for Phil Mickelson, I don't think he will contend. Not because of his choke job at the U.S. Open last month, but because this tournament doesn't suit his game at all. He is the prototypical US player whose game is built on long carry on his drives and a short game consisting of tight spin shots. That doesn't work across the pond and he will never win this tournament. But he will win more majors. I think he will shake off the Winged Foot fiasco quite easily and contend at the PGA next month.

Hockey Notes.

How ridiculous are the New York Islanders? Newly appointed GM Neil Smith is out already. Smith was appointed not even 2 months ago during the Cup finals. That has to be record for shortest stint. They haven't even opened training camp yet. It be would be hilarious if this had something to do with Ted Nolan after the problems he had with John Muckler in Buffalo but there's no way that can be it. I think the Islanders will be forever cursed for sticking with the incomparably incompetent Mike Milbury as long as they did.

I've long thought that Mike Peca was the most overrated player in the NHL so I am not exactly jumping up and down now that he has signed on with the Leafs. He's a good player but not great and I think $2.5 million a year is the going rate. But his signing isn't going to jump the Leafs into a playoff spot on it's own. I still want to see them sign Anson Carter. He's another Toronto boy and fit perfectly on a line with Mats Sundin. Hell, he scored 33 goals last year playing with stiffs like the Sedin tiwns. He would score 40 with Sundin. I can only imagine Mats' excitement over looking to his right and seeing Ponikarovsky and to his left and seeing Antropov.

Rachael Ray's New Lifestyle Show.

Rachael Ray's news lifestyle show can't help but be a success. She is so damn cute and outgoing she is going to have guests eating out of the palm of her hand.

You know how couples have "lists" of 5 people they would leave their partner for? Well for me their is no list of 5, there is only one name on the list and it is Rachael Ray. Seriously, I have a huge crush on her. The only chink in the armor was that many of the meals in her 30 Minute Meal books (of which Ms. Skeelo and I have 3)take over 30 minutes to cook. I kinda felt lied to. But now she admits that they take even her longer to make so I feel much better. Now if only she weren't already married.

Another Bluesfest Come and Gone.

One of the best things about living in Ottawa is the annual Bluesfest. While the headline acts often have very little to do with Blues, I don't begrudge the organizers because they have bills to pay and acts like Nelly Furtado, Live, and Rihanna put asses in the seats.

For Ms. Skeelo and I the fun of the festival is always finding acts we have never heard of or know very little about performing on the side stages. The side stages are usually where the Blues in the Bluesfest can be found. Previous years introduced us to Guy Forsyth and The Sadies, among others. This year was no exception as Natalia Zukerman, Luke Doucet, and Big Sandy and His Fly Rite Boys put on great shows.

If you live in Ottawa or even within a 4 hour drive, buy a weekend pass, bring some sunscreen, rent a hotel room and enjoy a great atmosphere of music and live performances next year.

Life as "The Hoff"

I didn't think it could get any worse than his last video. I think what saddens me most is that this isn't even a tongue in cheeck laugh at himself the way Shatner does it, Hasselhoff really thinks this is top notch quality. Oh well, we'll always have Knight Rider.

Seperated at Birth.

Try and convince me that The Rock and Freddy Garcia aren't twins.

And That's Entertainment.

Poor Courteney Cox. Apparently the horrors of growing old have driven her back into psychotherapy. She may as well start paying the bills in advance for her daughther's sessions because any child of celebrity parents named Coco is going to need it.

Apparently Keith Richards is going to be OK. Was there ever any doubt? If he hasn't died from all that he has done to his body already he never will. Though I still think he may already be dead and somebody is just propping him along with strings like a puppet.

Jackie Chan - The Next Hasselhoff?

Finally, best of luck to Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy who are planning to get married early this fall. I say this one lasts at least 3 years.

More trashing of the CBC.

Given my hatred of the CBC I had to link this brief article . Strombowombo is a complete tool. Though he would have my eternal admiration if he were the one who finally killed the network.

Hockey Stuff.

I'm in the Dominican Republic for a week and all hell breaks lose. I never would have thought Zdeno Chara was going to Boston. I thought he was a lock to end up with the Rangers. Then again I also thought Ed Jovanoski was a lock to end up in Florida. And that Chris Pronger was going to end up on the east coast. The Ducks might as well sign 4 defenceman from a senior league in Toledo because Pronger and Scott Neidermayer are going to each log 35 minutes of ice each game.

I'm glad to see Ottaw Senator GM John Muckler ripping on the cap system. As I said when it was implemented it punishes good teams. It's gotta suck for him to see guys like Chara and Martin Havlat leave (though if I'm a Sens fan I am happy to see Havlat go) beacuse you don't have room under the cap. I actually think the Sens are better off than people think. Martin Gerber is an upgrade over Ray Emery in goal (remember that Hasek is a complete headcase and wasn't around after the Olympics) and some other players will step up. Sens fans are upset that Muckler is not going after Mike Peca but you already have Mike Peca. It's just that his name is Mike Fisher and he is actually better than Peca. Fisher will have a great year as the number two center and they should actually rip the "C" of Alfie's sweater and put on Fisher's. It would make a world of difference for these perennial chokers.

Not surpisingly my Leafs have underwhelmed me in the free agent market. They can make up for it by signing Anson Carter though. He'd be a perfect fit back in his hometown.

World Cup.

The best thing about the World Cup is that it's over. I have tried time and again to get into soccer and it just bores the living hell out of me. Not to mention all the embarrassing flopping that takes place in a typical game. Don't these guys have any pride? And how do you settle a championship final on penalty kicks? It's like deciding the Super Bowl on field goals.

I think the best reason to write soccer off however, is that anything, anything, that pits France vs. Italy for world supremacy can't be taken seriously.

NBA Notes.

I'm extremely happy that Mike James has officially left the Raptors. I always thought he was overrated and shot too much for a point guard. He has had one good year, and that was when he was playing for a contract. I'm not surprised he didn't land in Dallas because he isn't better than either Jason Terry or Devon Harris. I think he is going to drive Kevin Garnett crazy in Minnesota. All Garnet wants to do is win and James is a losing point guard. The T'Wolves also have a stud in Randy Foye who they got at the draft this year. Foye will be starting by mid-season. Another reason to think James isn't that good is that GM Kevin McHale actually wanted him. McHale should thank God every day that Isiah Thomas is around so he isn't the laughingstock of the league.

I initally liked the Charlie Villaneuva-T.J. Ford deal but I am having second thoughts. Ford had had spinal problems in the past and isn't that strong a defender. And young point guards are a dime a dozen in the league. Good young forwards who can shoot threes and rebound though are not. I'll give Colangelo the benefit of the doubt but I reserve the right to change my mind.

It's going to be interesting to see how the new deal signed by LeBron James will impact the new CBA in a few years. It appears Dwayne Wade and Carmelo Anthony are going to follow his lead and sign similar three year plus one year player option deals. These guys are driving renewed interest in the league right now and the cap should increase significantly under a new CBA. That is if the players association doesn't get crushed at the negotiating table the way they usually do. David Stern has got to want to keep these guys on their original teams though so it will be very interesting.

I don't buy that guys like LeBron and DWade have to play in NY or LA to improve their endorsement deals. With the internet, every game being available on TV somewhere, and 24/7 sports reels you can be a hero even in Boise, Idaho. These guys jerseys and shoes are going to sell no matter where they play. Besides, Lamar Odom and Smush Parker play in LA and I don't see their faces on billboards.

On Vacation

I am off to the Dominican Republic for the next week so no posts until July 10. Don't forget me when I'm gone.