Happy 77th Clint Eastwood.

Happy 77th Birthday to Clint Eastwood. Clint is my hero and the Greatest Man the world has ever known.

- Kobe Bryant's suggestion yesterday that he wants to be traded is ridiculous (though there are some very intriguing potential deals). Kobe had the Lakers give Shaq the boot and wanted to be the man and now he's complaining. Yeah your GM sucks Kobe, but suck it up and play to win. As image conscious as you are you know it will look bad if you go somewhere else. LA is where you need to be so shut up and play. Suggest trades all you want to improve the team, but don't count yourself in one of them.

- I realize I am a bit late to the party on this but part of my childhood will die on June 30 when Sam's closes it's doors. I will be in downtown Toronto next week for work and will visit one last time. I may even take a picture.

- I realize I'm late on this too but Stephane Dion suggesting a 3 month hold on foreign buyouts of Canadian companies is too absurd to discuss seriously. Economic Nationalism is one of the single dumbest economic policies known to man and works me into such a rage I can barely discuss it. If this clown ever becomes PM I will move to the US within 4 months of him taking office.

- Because San Antonio was up 20 points against the undermanned Jazz in the first quarter last night (don't worry Mormons, your team has a very bright future), I decided to watch the Ducks-Sens. That cracking sound you heard in Ottawa last night around 10:40 was 400,000 femurs shattering as Sens fans jumped off the bandwagon. I felt terrible for Ray Emery last night because he's the only reason the Sens didn't lose 6-0. What's been the Sens problem? Easy: The Ducks. They are just killing them physically and Spezza specifically looks hopeless. Ottawa just wasn't prepared for the physical style of the Ducks. But I still think they have a chance. I subscribe to the theory that you are never in real trouble until you lose on home ice. The Sens better win both games at home though because there is no way they will win the two potential games left in Anaheim.

Maria Bello

Anybody who has seen The Cooler and A History of Violence will certainly understand how the unconventionally gorgeous Maria Bello has made the list of Pursuit of Leisure Hotties. I say unconventional because there is something edgy and strong about her personality and characters she plays that makes every guy I know say "Oh yeah, absolutely" without any hesitation. What put her over the top was her comedic turn in Thank You For Smoking, though the cheerleader outfit in Violence didn't hurt.

NY Stands For Next Year.

- Nothing is as much fun for me in the sports world right now as watching the Yankees free fall. They are now 13.5 games behind the Red Sox. In May. Not even Mr. HGH can save them now. Just think, 6 year olds all over NY are wondering if the Yanks will win a World Series in their lifetime.

- Michael Vick. Dog Fighting. Dog Fighting. Michael Vick. This sounds too bizarre even for Vick. He really can't be that stupid can he? And can we stop saying "Superstar QB" to introduce this story?

If this story is true he should be put in jail for years and banned from the NFL. Dog fighting goes well beyond typical animal cruelty.

- Ashley likes to ride dirt bikes, fish and hunt. Sounds like the perfect woman for certain regular readers of this site.

- Yesterday a 1000 pound pig, today cat-sized rats. I guess everything is bigger in America.

Bloody Terrifying!

Did any other Canadian readers know hogs can be that big? 1051 pounds big. That's fuckin' terrifying. Standing above it is the 11 year old who killed it in Alabama. When I was 11 I think I was still chewing the grass while playing centerfield, not killing 1000 pound pigs.

On the other hand, that would be one hell of a BBQ.

More Of What The NHL Needs.

If things like this happened on the Versus channel on a regular basis, maybe some in the US would actually watch the games and Gary Bettman could sign a TV deal that gets the league some actual money up front.

- My friends from across the country have been calling to ask me how crazy Ottawa is right now. My answer is always the same - It's about as crazy as Ottawa can get, which isn't very because Ottawa's a lame sports town that can't even come up with an original name for it's version of Calgary's Red Mile.

More surprising to me is that my friends in Calgary and Vancouver have both told me their friends are not cheering for the Sens because of their "obnoxious fans". I've always found Sens fans very fair weather, especially those bandwagon jumping "fans" who rip the team all year then last week donned Sens garb, took off work and attended a Sens rally at City Hall, and very smug, but not obnoxious. So congrats Sens fans, you are now thought of with the same regard as the Leaf fans you hate so much.

As for the Leafs vs. Sens rivalry, it is a MUCH bigger deal for Sens fans because the Sens are only in their 14th season and have played the Leafs four times in the playoffs already. If it were the Habs the Sens had played four times, I think that would be the big rivalry for Sens fans. Yeah, there are some Leaf fans openly rooting against the Sens, but most are either indifferent or are actually hoping the Sens win because they are a Canadian team (for the record the Ducks have 20 Canadians in their lineup, the Sens 11, so the Cup is going to be won by Canada regardless). Personally, as I've said before, I have nothing against the Sens as an entity, I just hate Spezza, Alfie, and Redden. But I love Fisher, and really like guys like Phillips, Emery, and Comrie so I wouldn't mind seeing guys like that win.

On the whole Leaf fans view the Sens as that team that whips our ass every regular season game and plays their home games in the middle of a cornfield. There really isn't enough history there yet to really hate them the way we hate the Habs or Blackhawks (who aren't even that much fun to hate anymore they have become so bad. The way Bill Wirtz has destroyed that team is akin to the Ballard years) who I would be openly rooting against if they were in the Finals.

- Mark Spector wrote in the Post Friday he thinks Ballsillie should move the RIMjobs to Toronto. While I think it would work it will never happen because the teachers won't let it. I'd like to see them give it a go in Hamilton. If Ottawa can support a team, Hamilton can. It has enough of a population within an hours drive to succeed.

Stanley Cup Preview.

I went 0-2 in the conference finals, bringing my overaall total to 9-5, including 0-3 in series involving the Senators. Given the aforementioned 0-3 record, combined with the fact I needed a haircut yesterday, I took the opportunity to draw upon the knowledge of the ultimate Sens authority - My barber Super Sam, an Ottawa legend and rabid Sens fan, of whom I have been a loyal and dedicated patron for the past nine years.

Anaheim Ducks vs Ottawa Senators

Sam and I both agree that the Sens have officially shed the choking dog label. Win or lose, making it to the Cup Final is a huge accomplishment. We also agree this will be the Sens biggest challenge yet because the Ducks have the two best defenseman in the league in Scott Niedermayer*, and Chris Pronger, and the Ducks are a very aggressive and physical team. Neither one of us thinks the ridiculous 6 day layoff helps or hurts either team.

Sam and I actually agreed on most aspects of this series, including Sam's biggest fear that Jason Spezza is going to try one of his patented AHL moves - Coming across the middle of the ice with his head down, only to have Pronger knock him into the fifth row and out of the series with a crushing hit (think Scott Stevens turning Eric Lindros into a quivering heap a few years back). Sam is also worried that Ottawa may not get much scoring from their 2-4 lines because of Anaheim's very physical style and Niedermayer being in the second defense pairing. The Sens are absolutely going to get scoring from their top line of Alfie-Spezza (if he doesn't get killed)-Heatley but Pronger will limit their scoring because he is that good. We both also agree that Anaheim is a bit stronger in net with Giguere than Ottawa is in net with Emery, though Emery will be great.

Where we differ is that while Sam thinks the key to the Sens run has been their top line, I think it has been the play of their defense, specifically Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov. Those two guys have done a great job shutting down their three opponents top lines and keeping traffic away from Emery, and I expect them to give the Teemue Selanne line a rough go, though that line will still score. The difficulty for the Sens will be containing the Ducks precocious young forwards Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry, both of whom will score some key goals. These guys are not typical 1st or 2nd year players and know how to win.

We both say this series will come down to how disciplined the Ducks can be. If they are giving the Sens 6-7 Power Plays they won't win. I tend to think the Ducks will be disciplined because they know what is at stake. One final thing we disagree on is experience and that's why our picks differ. I usually say experience is overrated, but I look at Anaheim's top three players and see Scott Niedermayer, three time Cup champion and Conn Smythe winner, JS Giguere, Conn Smythe winner, and Chris Pronger, who should have won the Conn Smythe last year but was robbed by voters. I think Pronger will lead the Ducks to the Cup and get the Conn Smythe he should have won last year.

Predictions

Super Sam - Sens in 7 Skeelo - Ducks in 7 (but Steve Simmons and Michael Farber agree with me so I am not sure that should make me all that confident about my pick)

* Every time I see Scott Niedermayer in a Cup Final I have to cringe/laugh because he epitomizes the Leafs ineptitude of the past 27 years (the Leafs were actually decent in the mid to late 70's with Sittler-MacDonald, etc). I vividly remember being at a game at the Gardens in '89 or '90 and when the game was over looking up at the scoreboard. The scoreboard read that the Leafs had just traded their 1st round pick in the '91 draft for Tom Kurvers. My first thought was who in the hell is Tom Kurvers and why did we just trade a No. 1 for him? So there you go - Tom Fuckin' Kurvers for Scott Niedermayer, 1st Ballot Hall of Famer.

The RIMjobs Are Back.

- Now that Jim Balsillie has decided to buy the Nashville Predators I suggest he name them the RIMjobs. Then he should move them to Vegas because there is no way hockey will ever be big in Nashville. Being the first sport to land a team Vegas would be not only huge but also very smart.

- So Paul Godfrey is thrilled with the rise in the dollar because each time it goes up a cent the 20-25 Blue Jays save $600,000. So the team is performing poorly with no shot at the postseason but things are all OK. Who the fuck does Godfrey think he's running? The Leafs?

- There are a lot of reasons top prospects don't make it in the MLB. Can't handle the pressure, can't hit a curveball, stuck behind someone better at your position with the big club. But I don't recall threatening to kill your wife and kids ever being one of the reasons.

- All the conspiracy theorists who still think the NBA draft lottery was rigged the year the Knicks got Patrick Ewing can stop now. With Portland and Seattle getting the top two picks in this year's lottery, one that was ripe for rigging, there is no way in hell these things are rigged. David Stern probably had a stroke knowing that two franchise players like Oden and Durant are going to the Pacific Northwest instead of Philly and Boston.

- A Washington cop has been warned about demonstrating his taser on some guys balls. The person who really deserves flak is the idiot who volunteered to have his balls tasered. You really have to wonder how this guy hasn't managed to kill himself in some ridiculous Darwinian accident.

- Happy 42nd to one of the best character actors out there, John C. Reilly.

Over/Under - How Many TV's Smashed In Boston.

- Watching the Celtics dropping to the number 5 pickin the draft had to kill Boston last night. There had to be beer bottles thrown through at least 100 TV's in Back Bay bars last night. What's worse is that GM Danny Ainge is so incompetent he will probably pull off a bad trade or pick Yi Jianlian.

Even if they had got number 3 they still would have been all right. Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are the obvious big prizes but I think Al Horford can be the next Karl Malone and will go third.

But at least the Sox beat the Yanks.

- With Portland landing the top pick and taking Greg Oden their lineup next year will be Brandon Roy, Oden, Jarrett Jack, LeMarcus Alderidge and Zack Randolph. Get used to those names they will be your NBA Champions from 2011-2016.

- Reason number 1267 Gray Bettman is not qualified to run a church picnic let alone a multi billion dollar business: the Ducks-Sens Cup Final was cemented last night but doesn't start until Monday (with a potential Game 7 coming on June 11). Just enough time for all the people in Orange County still following the Ducks to say "Wait a second. Hockey? I don't give a shit about hockey."

As Mark Spector points out in today's Post, the NHL has to shorten the season because it is the only sport where interest declines as the games get more important.

- This picture isn't helping Canada's international profile at all.

- What goes through your mind when you make the decision to lose your virginity in a porn flick?

- Happy 49th to Drew Carey, one of the only righties in Hollywood. His best quotes:

On government: "The less the better. As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed."

"I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me."

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3

Ms. Skeelo and I saw this a week ago Sunday but I am just getting around to reviewing it now, which I guess says something about the movie.

Tobey Maguire is back for his third turn as the Superhero but this time he is transformed by some evil black goo from space that turns Spidey pretty dark. He comes to realize that who he originally thought killed Uncle Ben wasn't the killer and that Flinto Marko, aka Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), did the awful deed. Once Spidey gets the black goo off of him it ends up on his rival photographer, Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), who goes all evil and turns into Venom. Along for the ride and fight scenes is old friend/rival Harry Osborn (James Franco) who is also the New Goblin, and his still trying to avenge his father's death at the hands of the Webbed One. As you can probably tell there are a few too many characters in the movie and it tries to work in too many storylines. Mix in Peter Parker's seemingly shattered romance with Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst, who is looking worse with age) and his potential courtship of Gwen (Bryce Dallas Howard, who looks great in this movie) and it adds up to a movie about 20 minutes too long.

There are a few things to recommend however. The scene where Peter realizes his new bravado on account of the black goo, which is a funny tribute to Saturday Night Fever, was great, and the fight scenes are well directed with good special effects. And despite the dark storyline, this may have the funniest lines of the three movies. And Grace (the next Tom Hanks, whether you think that's a good thing or not) and Church are strong in their roles, though Church isn't given much to work with.

All in all I enjoyed the movie, it's just easily forgettable. If you really liked the first two movies, go see it in the theater. If you didn't, it's a rental.

7/10

Travelling In The Eastern Townships.

- Ms. Skeelo and I attended a wedding in Coaticook, Quebec this weekend in Quebec's Eastern Townships. It was our first time in this area (we've driven past it on the highway on the way to New Hampshire many times) and I have to say it as a very beautiful area. Rolling hills, lakes and streams make it a very nice weekend getaway.

The roads in the Townships, however, are every bit as bad, if not worse, than in the rest of the province. When Ford started running those "Built for life in Canada" ads a few years back I suggested they run them in Quebec as "Built for life in Kandahar" and I stand by that. Positively brutal.

- The news that the Yankees were looking into voiding the remaining years on Jason Giambi's contract if they found he used performance enhancing drugs is laughable. They knew damn well when they signed him he was taking something and he has all but admitted doing so. I would say they are looking to get rid of Giambi due to his recent 1-26 slump and the fact that this looks like a salary cutting move. Yes kids, the Yankees looking to dump salary. The apocalypse may very well be upon us.

- If you are looking for you sports fix until the Cup finals begin and were thinking about tuning into the NBA playoffs I beg you not to watch the Pistons-Cavs series. That game last night was awful as neither team seems capable of making an open shot or even taking a shot with more than 3 seconds left on the shot clock. This series may see neither team breaking 90 points. My only hope is that the Spurs or Jazz sweep either of these teams in the Finals.

- The NBA draft lottery is being held tonight and expect Boston Celtics fans to hyperventilate if they don't get one of the first two picks. This could be them missing out on Tim Duncan all over again.

Another Lynx Game.

It was a perfect day for a ball game yesterday so Ms. Skeelo headed over to see the Lynx fall to the Paw Sox 4-0. One of the great things about your town having a Triple A team is getting to see the next wave of great players as well as proven big leaguers coming off injury working there way into shape. Such was the case yesterday as Jon Lester, 7-2 with Boston last year before he got testicular cancer, gave up one hit over 4 innings (he was on a pitch count) and looked like he will be back up with the Sox by the end of June. The bullpen didn't give up a hit so game moved along at a brisk 2hours and 10 minutes.

Another nice thing about going to the games is seeing guys from Toronto who played in the same amateur parks and teams as I did. Toronto boy and Sox catcher George Kottaras was 0-4 but caught a 1 hitter so that is a great game for a catcher.

Returning to seeing injured players work their way back, I would love nothing more than to see Roger Clemens have a Triple A start in Ottawa. I would just sit there and scream "HGH" at the top of my lungs for three hours. Unfortunately I don't think the schedule will accommodate my dream.

NB.A Conference Finals

I went 3-1 in the second round for an overall record of 8-4. The conference finals are pretty easy though.

Western Conference

San Antonio Spurs (3) vs. Utah Jazz (5)

Although this should have been a second round matchup, this is still a good conference final because I think Utah can make a series of it. Carlos Boozer has been outstanding so far for the Jazz and he should continue to play well. His numbers won't be as good because he is matched up against Tim Duncan, the best pwer forward in history, but he will hold his own. Deron Williams is also better equipped to handle Spurs guard Tony Parker than Steve Nash was which will slow the Spurs. The biggest problem for the Jazz though is that the Spurs are so good defensively they will have trouble socring aginst them over a full series. I expect the Spurs to want to play in the 80's and smother the Jazz.

Spurs in 6

Eastern Conference

Detroit Pistons (1) vs. Cleveland Cavaliers (2)

You would think a 1 vs 2 would be a good series but this won't be. The Pistons are going to win and it will never be in doubt. But it still may go seven games. Or four. There is no in between because as the Pistons showed against the Bulls they have an awful tendency to get bored and fall asleep for enitre games at a time. They only reason I think they may actually sweep the Cavs is because the Cavs have been sleepwalking all year and LeBron James has looked very average in the first two series taken as a whole. He is great one game and mails in the next. The Pistons are deeper, can score easier and much better defensively than the Cavs, but they are going to fall asleep again. That's why I think this will be the a seven game series that will never be in doubt.

Pistons in 7.

My New Favorite Yankee.

- Saying I have a new favorite Yankee is like saying I have a favorite kind of cancer, but still, good on Kyle Farnsworth for calling out Roger Clemens and his new contract. By leaving the team when he is not pitching Clemens is not really part of the team and clearly only gives a damn about his own ego. The "family plan" clause is more ridiculous than the money they are paying him. The only thing better would of been if Jeter had had the guts to say it.

- Am I the only one who thinks Eva Longoria is overrated?

- With Lindsay Lohan headed for Anna Nicole Smith territory at warp speed it's time to realize the not yet worldwide famous Nikki Reed, who turned 19 yesterday, is the best combination of talent and looks aged 20 and under.

- Happy 37th to Tina Fey, the funniest woman on TV.

The Tories To Crack Down On Foreign Strippers.

Though a large improvement over arguing whether or not the Captain of Team Canada is suitable for the "C", foreign strippers is hardly a topic that should be occupying a lot of time on the floor of Parliament.

I'm going to go ahead and assume this wasn't the brainchild of a certain Conservative MP from Alberta of Ugandan descent who has been known to frequent Pigale's on a very regular basis.

David Stern To Succeed Castro?

- The more I think about the ridiculous suspensions of Stoudemire and Diaw the more you realize what a dictator David Stern has become. He is the only guy in the NBA league office who makes any decisions, he listens to nobody, he completely ignores the wishes of the players (he only brought the old ball back this year because scoring was down) and owners, and generally does whatever the hell he wants.

While I think Stern is the best commissioner in sports history (just ask him, he'll certainly tell you he is), I also think he has become an arrogant, mean leader who has been tapped by Fidel as his successor. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he took over Cuba once Castro dies.

- The Nets beat the Cavs last night and scored only six points in the fourth quarter. Six points! That's pretty much the worst the NBA has to offer right there.

- The Toronto FC soccer team is apparently averaging about 20,000 fans a game, which shouldn't be that surprising given Toronto's large immigrant population. What I'm curious to know though is whether it is the same 25,000 people going to the games or whether they are getting varied crowds. If anyone has any knowledge of that please let me know.

- The Sens are still going to win this series, but if the Sabres win Game 5 (I always think these stupid afternoon games favor the US team because they are used to playing in the afternoon and know how to prepare better than Canadian teams) some people in Ottawa might start preparing to throw themselves off the Peace Tower.

- I could make the "Bud" Bundy joke, but it's just too obvious. But if hottie Christina Applegate ends up on a sex tape? Now that would be big news we could all get into.

- At what point will it no longer be politically incorrect to say our Canadian Aboriginal policy has been an abject failure and we should stop throwing more money at it as the cure? And yes, that was a rhetorical question since we all know the answer.

Playoff Suspensions.

- The NBA suspending Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire for one game is crazy. Yes they both left the bench and the letter of the law says they have to get suspended but neither guy threw a punch. Give them each 5 games at the start of next year but don't make them sit out Game 5. The Suns have no chance of winning without these two tonight although I think they will keep it close.

- Chris Pronger does deserve to be suspended after the hit from behind he put on Tomas Holstrom last night. It happened on the ice and he should have to sit Game 4.

- If I were a Sens fan I would be praying the Ducks come back to beat the Red Wings. The Ducks have no offensive depth and despite having Pronger and Neidermayer on the blueline, the Sens would beat them. I don't think the Sens would beat the Wings for two reasons. First, the Wings power play is absolutely lethal and have two units to throw out on it. Second, and maybe more important, is that Hasek has got that unbeatable look right now. I know he's a complete mental case and liable to lose it at any moment, but he will be extremely motivated to shove it up the Sens ass for the way things went last year for him in Ottawa.

- Is Dirk Nowitzki one of the lamest MVP winners of all time? Maybe but let's not get to carried away with who wins the MVP award. It usually goes to the best player on a very good team but it rarely goes to the best player in the league. If it did Jordan would have won 12 of them. And as much as I love Steve Nash and thought he deserved the MVP awards he won, he was never the best player in the league (he is at best 4th behind Kobe, Duncan and DWade).

- I don't plan to see Michael Moore's new "documentary" on the US Health Care System, Sicko. What I am interested in though is how he portrays Cuba's system. I have been to Cuba and they do graduate a lot of Doctors and Nurses capable of practicing anywhere (because they have graduated so many of them most recent grads are cutting open coconuts on the beach for tourists but I digress), but Cuba caters to wealthy Italians and Germans who come to Cuba for treatment to jump the queue in their own countries. If you are a Cuban citizen Good Luck getting medical attention from top professionals in a timely manner, the spots are reserved for tourists with cash. I'm going out on a limb and guessing Moore does not bring that up.

Time For Favre To Retire.

- Brett Favre is nearing the point where he is almost as annoying as Roger Clemens with his should I or shouldn't I retire routine. It's time to retire Brett. You really aren't that good anymore and are just hurting the Packers who would be better off with a younger QB who could grow into the role. If I were the Pack I would say to hell with him, especially after he ripped the team for not getting team cancer Randy Moss.

- It was great to see Phil Mickelson win The Players on Sunday. Hopefully this will shut the critics who think he somehow fell apart mentally after Winged Foot up. I'm not a big "Phil guy" based on the fact I think he squandered a lot of opportunities to win more with his formerly poor work ethic (more so than due to poor course management), but I have always respected his talent. The game is a hell of a lot more interesting when top guys are at their best so let's hope Phil keeps playing well.

- Star Wars has been named the most influential special effects movie in history. Was there really ever any doubt?

- How stupid do you have to be to put bullets in a vice and then hit them with a hammer?

More Award For The Raptors.

- Raps GM Bryan Colangelo has been named NBA Executive of the Year,this after Sam Mitchell was named Coach of the Year. Colangelo getting this nod was a no brainer after the year the Raps had but I'm still really curious to see if Mitchell will be back coaching this team next year.

- The Spurs-Suns game Saturday night drove me nuts. The Suns have no chance if Amare Stoudamire is in foul trouble, which he was in Game 3 after 1 borderline and 2 ridiculous foul calls. The refs in the NBA have been a concern for a few years now and it's not getting better.

- One reader suggested Brent Musberger as biggest knob in American Sports Media. I nominate Jim Rome who is a complete cretin. This loud mouthed sycophant kisses the ass of every guy who does his show and then rips them once their off. He is a complete joke whose career highlight was getting slapped around by Jim Everett.

- If you weren't convinced this version of the Senators is different than previous years you should be now. After blowing the lead with 5 seconds left in the third period this team would have folded last year and lost the series, which is actually exactly what happened in Game 1 against Buffalo last year. Instead the Sens dominated OT and took a 2-0 lead. The Sens should win this series and even possible be favored in the finals the way they are going.

- Ken Griffey Jr. has pretty quietly moved into the top 10 all time in Home Runs with 570. We can all remember when he was supposed to be the guy breaking Aaron's record before the injury trouble started. As likable as he is it's really a shame he lost the equivalent of over 3 seasons to injury. He'd be damn near 700 right now and still only 37.

The Iron Shiek At His Worst. Or Best. You Decide.

This is an absolute must for anyone who watched even 15 minutes of WWF wrestling in the 80's or 90's.

The Shiek is pretty clearly drunk and has something to say about everyone. He manages to offend gays, Canadians, French Canadians, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, his old tag team partner Nikolai Volkov, even Cocaine dealers who screwed him out of his cut of a smuggled shipment. I've watched this thing 3 times and still can't stop laughing.

Caution: Do not watch this at work.

H/T Deadspin who always seems to find shit like this.

This Date In History.

On May 13, 1607, the Discovery, the Godspeed, and the Susan Constant arrived on Virginia’s shores. Their passengers would establish Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in America.

As someone with a proud sense of superiority in Anglo North Amrican culture I think this should have been marked a North American Holiday (except in Quebec because they never would have accepted it). As such, I plan to celebrate by firing up my BBQ, eating 2 pounds of read meat, reading Sports Illustrated, turning on my 32 inch flat screen and watching sporting events we all take far too seriously such as PGA Golf, NHL Hockey, NBA Basketball and Major League Baseball, and then finishing the day off with the Trailer Park Boys (the trailer park is right on the water in Halifax).

To celebrate the 400th anniversary, the Godspeed will sail from Jamestown to other ports along the United States’ East Coast.

Biggest Knob in Canadian Sports Media Addendum.

The other day I stated that I thought Jim Lang was the biggest knob in Canadian sports media. I need to amend that statement to biggest knob in TV sports. Why the change? Because I forgot about Sun reporter Steve Simmons who is just as big a knob. So Simmons is now the Biggest Knob is Canadian print media. One of my favorite weekly rituals is watching Damien Cox of the Star take Simmons apart on TSN's The Reporters with Dave Hodge Sunday mornings at 10:30 am. Simmons knows squat about sports and wouldn't know Gordie Howe if Gordie walked up and hoofed him in the nuts.

Pacman's Day In Court.

Our good friend Pacman Jones is appealing his year long suspension from the NFL today. To aid in his defense, his lawyers have put together a PDF detailing every single run in with the law an NFL player has had in the last seven years. It's all there - Ray Lewis' murder charge, other guys weed busts, sexual assaults, I mean everything. I have never once in my life wanted to be a lawyer until I saw this list. The research for this had to be more fun than for any essay I wrote in my undergrad and I wrote on some damn good topics.

Bob and Harry.

- People were calling in to Ottawa radio this morning to complain that Bob Cole and Harry Neale were an awful announcing pair. While there is some truth to that (and I'll be the first to admit they are Leaf homers), it is not right to say that Neale sounds uninterested in the series as many callers did. Neale always sounds uninterested in the games he's covering. He's got a very dry sense of humour and never gets animated about anything. Cole on the other hand is just to old to call the games. He is always about 10 seconds behind the play and is making more and more mistakes on players names and who has the puck. For that reason I would much rather have Jim Hughson calling every big game.

- As the Jays lose game after game and announce BJ Ryan is done for the year, I shudder to think what their win total will be this year. And on the flip side the Yanks (one of only two teams in pro sports I really loathe, along with the Habs) are now only one game below .500. As a Red Sox fan they are starting to scare me. It's really only natural as they have tormented Boston for about 85 years.

- I really thought the Bulls would be competitive against the Pistons. So I'm pretty shocked that they blew a 19 point 3rd quarter lead last night to fall behind 3-0. The Pistons are no 7-0 in the playoffs and look like they might actually give the Suns or Spurs a series in the Finals.

The Jays Are Done.

- I know it's only May 10th but I'm sad to say the Jays are done for the year after another loss to Boston last night. They are now 9.5 games back of the Red Sox and can't make that up. It's not that I think the Sox are uncatchable (I still have a bad feeling the Yankees are going to make a run) but their starting pitching won't let them fall that much. The Jays just don't have the pitching to make it up. And the Wild Card is coming out of the AL Central so forget that.

- Watching Sportsnet Connected recently leaves me with one conclusion - Jim Lang is the biggest knob in Canadian sports broadcasting (I still like Mike Toth for some reason though). I'd be interested to know who else might qualify in your opinion.

- Curt Schilling's blog is actually pretty good. I think his ego is almost as big as Roger Clemens' but he is a pretty bright guy. I find it fascinating that he reveals what he tries to do with some specific hitters in the AL.

- I'm not sure as many people are watching The Trailer Park Boys this year, but the Sebastien Back cameo a couple of weeks back was absolutely hysterical.

- NASA has discovered the hottest planet known to man. Surface temperatures reach as high as 3700 degrees F (similar to Ottawa in July when the humidity kicks in). Al Gore has not yet been reached for comment.

My Choice To Coach The Devils.

- Further to my post of yesterday, I can think of one man and one man only who is the best choice to coach the New Jersey Devils next year: David Puddy.

- As Whitby Craig said, which of these two videos is The Hoff's lowest point?

- Barry Bonds is going to break the Home Run record. It's time to get over it. It's not like anybody is suggesting he is a better person than Hank Aaron.

- Gilles Duceppe potentially leaving the Bloc to lead the PQ is something that can only make sense in Quebec politics. Personally, I think Duceppe has the easiest job in Canadian politics - he has no chance of winning, his party gets at least 20 seats regardless, and he can say whatever the hell he wants because he won't be held accountable because he can never be PM. He just has to sit there and bitch about how awful the rest of Canada is.

NHL Conference Finals Preview.

I went 2-2 in the second round to bring my total to 9-3. But now that it is over 20 degrees here, baseball is in full swing and local golf courses are open and in decent shape, I may watch about 15 minutes of the conference finals. So my level of analysis here matches my interest level.

As an aside, I think the NHL should shorten training camp to two weeks (everybody shows up in shape now and each team only has two or three roster spots available), start it the last week of August and get the regular season started in mid-September. You could have the season wrapped up by the middle of May which would be better for everyone.

Eastern Conference

Buffalo Sabres (1) vs. Ottawa Sabres

The Sabres defense is better than Pittsburgh or Jersey who Ottawa has beaten so far.

Buffalo in 7

Western Conference

Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Anaheim Ducks (2)

Detroit in 7

The Sharks Are Toothless.

- With San Jose getting shut out at home in an elimination game, you really have to wonder if Joe Thornton is the guy the Sharks can count on. I think he can continue to be their best player but they need some fire in the dressing room. If I was running the Sharks the first thing I would do when I woke up this morning is call Ryan Smyth and tell him how great the Bay area is.

- If you were an established NHL coach looking for work, would you go coach the Devils and work for Louie Lam? I think Lou is the smartest guy in hockey but take a few things into consideration. 1. Lou canned his coach with three games left in the regular season despite having over 100 points (most likely justifiable but not enticing to a prospective coach. 2. The Devs are cheap and are about to lose their best defenseman, Brian Rafalski, and arguably their best forward, Scott Gomez, to free agency. 3. Marty Brodeur just turned 35 and is now probably the second best goalie in the league behind Roberto Luongo. This is a team that's best days look to be behind them. Don't get me wrong, they are still miles ahead of the Leafs but I don't see why a veteran coach would take this job.

- The Yankees starting pitching is a huge problem, and even if TOS (tub of shit) Roger Clemens wins every start, their biggest problem may be that Mo Rivera is hittable now. He's been so great for so long it can't help but deflate the Yanks when he gets beat.

- $10 million for the General Lee? Worth every penny. Even if it doesn't come with Daisy Duke in the back seat.

- The gap between high wage families and low wage families continues to grow in Ontario, which means the NDP will be pressing for another increase to the minimum wage any day now. But don't believe everything you read. Alarmists always make it seem like the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer which isn't the case. Low wage families are earning more than they were before they are just not getting the same percentage increase as high wage families and that is a hell of a lot different than the "poor getting screwed" argument. And of course the gap would be widening in Ontario because it includes Toronto and Ottawa which have a high percentage of white collar high earning jobs and a healthy entrepreneur base.

The Rocket Will Get Blasted.

- So Roger Clemens and his unmatched ego think he is going to save the Yankees season. Sorry Roger but it aint happenin'. Now that Roger has to face real lineups in the AL his ERA is going to jump at least a run and a half. I can't wait to see Manny and Ortiz go back to back off him in his first trip to Fenway. Our watching Vernon, Frank, and Glaus light him up in the Bronx.

- It's really not a good sign for the Suns that they scored 106 against the Spurs and still lost. I know game 1's don't mean much but I just have a bad feeling about this series for the Suns.

- Sabres-Sens should be a very entertaining series. At least as entertaining as it could be in this years playoffs. The "New NHL" has looked a hell of a lot like the old NHL during these playoffs. Which is to say pretty unwatchable. The trap is back, scoring and scoring chances are down, every team is clogging the net. The Sens-Devils series was awful to watch.

- It's hard to say whether or not racism is playing a role in the media coverage surrounding Barry Bonds' chase of 756. If it was Ken Griffey Jr. pushing for the record I don't think anyone would have a problem. The reason it's tough to say in Bonds' case is that he is such a dick everyone hates him, especially the media. And the media hates him so much they are bound to make it seem like everyone baseball fan on earth would like to see him retire after hitting 754.

- Happy 39th birthday to Traci Lords. I'm not really big on reading autobiographies (they tend to fall into completely unbelievable or self promoting crap), but I think hers would be pretty damn interesting.

2nd Round NBA Playoff Preview.

I was 5-3 in the first round but am confident I can get at least 3 out of 4 in the second round. The NBA is the league most centered on team matchups as evidenced by Dallas going down to Golden St. in the first round even though Phoenix was the only other team that could have beat them. Unfortunately the NBA does not have the top seed left playing the lowest seed left so the two best teams in the east and west are playing in the second round.

Eastern Conference

Detroit Pistons (1) vs. Chicago Bulls (5)

The Bulls looked great against Miami and would have beaten them even if Miami was 100% healthy. But their lack of low post scoring is going to kill them against the Pistons who are far and away the class of the east. You can't beat Detroit shooting jumpers all day because their defense is too aggressive. The difference in this series will be the interior passing of Detroit and the scoring of Rip Hamilton.

Detroit in 6

Cleveland Cavaliers (2) vs. New Jersey Nets (6)

I can't figure this series out at all. The Nets Jason Kidd is playing extremely well and the Cavs don't have anyone who can stop him. The Cavs LeBron James is playing well and the Nets can't stop him. The problem for the Cavs is their supporting cast is not very good and LeBron is the closest thing the NBA has to a 1 man team. Despite what people think Vince Carter is not the key to the Nets. Kidd knows her can't rely on the gutless Carter game in and game out so the Nets winning or losing comes down to Richard Jefferson who is really there key guy. When he plays well they win and he will play well in this series. Which means Carter only has to have a couple of good games for the Nets to win this series. I'm picking the Nets but it's close to being a coin flip.

New Jersey in 7

Western Conference

Phoenix Suns (2) vs. San Antonio Spurs (3)

This series is the NBA Finals and it's being played in the second round. There is no way in hell the winner of this series loses the rest of the way. I am openly cheering for the Suns because they play a great brand of ball. Up tempo, balls to the way fast break ball. If any team is going to bring the casual fan back it is the Suns. But they are going to lose this series. The Spurs are the worst possible matchup for them for two big reasons and one small one. The two big ones - Tim Duncan is so good defensively he can shut down Amare Stoudamire for long stretches, and Tony Parker is so good offensively he will be able to exploit Steve Nash's bad defense. The small reason is that the Spurs' Bruce Bowen is such a strong defender that he will be able to slow Steve Nash down, but only for short stretches. The Spurs will control the tempo in this series but despite what most fans think they are not just a half court team. They can run as well as anyone they just like to play to their opponents weakness which is why they will try to play half court (whereas against the Rockets they would play a lot of fast break). And finally Gregg Popovich is the best coach in the league and will outwit Mike D'Antoni down the stretch of game 7.

San Antonio in 7

Utah Jazz (5) vs. Golden St. Warriors (8)

This is a perfect example of what I meant by matchups being so important. If Houston had won game 7 last night against the Jazz I would be picking the Warriors to beat the Rockets because they could spread the floor, neutralize Yao and run them off the court. But they can't do that against the Jazz. Jazz point guard Deron Williams is almost as strong as Baron Davis and just as tough so Golden St. does not have a huge advantage at the point. And Utah's front court of Carlos Boozer (who destroyed Yao in the first round), Mehmet Okur, Matt Harping, and Andrei Kirilenko are so quick and active that Warriors will have a hard time handling them because they play so few big men. I like that the Warriors say to hell with the Center position and just put their 5 best players on the court but that won't work in this series. The other problem for Golden St. is that Don Nelson won't be able to outcoach Jerry Sloan the way he did Avery Johnson in the first round. The big X factor here is the Warriors home court in Oakland which is really tough to play in. But so is Utah and they have home court.

Utah in 7.

Pistons vs. Bulls

I will do a full preview of the NBA second round playoff matchups tomorrow when all series are set. But Pistons-Bulls starts tonight and I wanted to be on record with Pistons in 6.

The Mavs Go Down.

- As I said in my playoff preview don't be surprised if the Warriors beat the Mavs, so I am not that surprised they knocked them off last night (though if I had any guts I would have picked the Warriors in the series). What shocked me is how easily they did it. I never doubted that Dallas would lose last night to the point that I didn't even bother staying up to watch the game. But losing 111-86 in an elimination game on the road when you won 67 regular season games? The Mavs should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. Dirk Nowitzki was just pathetic, scoring only 8 points. It is completely absurd that he is going to win the MVP award this year. This guy completely choked in the Finals last year against the Heat and was an utter no show in the single biggest game of his career last night.

- The Blue Jays bullpen coughed up another late lead last night. With B.J. Ryan out as long as he is going to be the Jays will be hard pressed to win 85 games this year let alone win a division I thought they had a shot at.

- Scott Neidermayer (how much do the Devils miss him right now) ended the Canucks season in double OT last night, which shouldn't be a big surprise. The Canucks were an average team with an outstanding goalie. But they have to move Captain Markus Naslund in the off season. He is an absolute dog and can't be brought back after yet another pitiful playoff performance.

- Another reason I hate Daniel Alfreddson - He has a dog named Bono.

- I would have liked to see Mayweather-De La Hoya a few years ago when Oscar was still in his prime. This will still be an entertaining fight but Mayweather is going to destroy him.

Canadian Politcs Used To Matter.

- The Shane Doan controversy is so ridiculous it's not even worth commenting on. Other than to say it's no wonder that over the last two decades Canada has lost so much respect internationally.

- Watching the Spurs take out the Nuggets last night, and the killer instinct they showed in doing it, has me more convinced than ever they are going to win the title again. Unfortunately, because the NBA does not always have the top remaining seed playing the lowest as it should (and the NHL does) the Spurs will play the Suns, the only other team who can win it, in the second round. In other words the championship series is unofficially in the second round. Stupid.

- I was at the Raptors game on Tuesday night and it had to be the most nervous I have ever been watching a sporting event. Even up 20 points after the 1st quarter I knew it wasn't over. After a 2 point win and a brutal second half I don't see how they can extend the series in Jersey tonight.

- Apparently Trent Dilfer has a golf handicap of plus 1.5. At least he's good at one sport.

- So Brady Quinn fell to number 22 in the draft because he never won the big games at Notre Dame. Peyton Manning never won the big game at Tennessee either and he just won a Super Bowl. And don't worry Brady, Tom Brady went in the sixth round. The NFL draft no longer has anything to do with what you have done on the field, it is strictly about how fast you run your 40 and how many times you bench press 225 pounds at the combine. Games just get in the way.